Disturbing news!!!

My word, I have found out some very shocking news this week about someone who I personally liked.

A while ago, Kerris and I started to go to the Fishermans Rest in Birkdale and sing a bit of Karaoke on a Saturday evening and since that time, the guy who ran it has held several regular spots at a few local pubs and Kerris in particular has become obsessed with Karaoke and will re-arrange pretty much anything to go and sing!!! As a side note, I haven't been for a while, Kerris has abandoned me in this and now that I was the one to get her out of her Karaoke shell, she has cast me aside to sing with others!!! But that's another story!!!

Anyway, so all is going well until we read in the Southport Visiter this week that he has been sacked from his job and is thinking of moving away from the area. This man is only a convicted sex offender and paedophile who spent 5 years in jail recently after being found guilty of messing with an 8 and a 13 year old.

He has been exposed now and will pack up his things and move on to another area where he will do the same again, get exposed and be run out of town once more.

If you don't instantly start to view someone like that in a different light then there is something wrong with you as a human and as I have thought about it my own viewpoint on the matter has changed.

First I was thinking that what he did was a monsterous act and he has served his time, possibly been rehabilitated and has as much right to earn a living as the rest of us. But now I think, what he did was monsterous, he should be punished and exposed wherever he goes and if he is naive enough to believe that you can do such a public job like Karaoke and not be recognised then you are an idiot.

You can sympathise with people who commit barbaric acts sometimes, not all murderers are evil people, some do it as revenge to someone they lost to another killer and some (rightly or wrongly) kill others who have performed evil tasks so with such acts, sympathy can sometimes be offered but anyone who decides to sexually molest any child under the age of consent, a child that could be yours or mine, deserves to spend the rest of their life paying for their crime every day until they die while the death penalty does not exist for it, more so, they should not be allowed outdoors again, they lost their right to that when they committed their crimes.

So as far as our local Karaoke bloke goes, I think he should run and keep on running and every time you settle, I hope there is someone there to recognise you and remind those around you about what a sick monster you really are.

I tried to rest, I did honest!!!

Well least night I tried to rest a little while Kerris and Jay occupied themselves in their own special ways.

I trawled through my music collection and selected 20 absolutely chilled tracks which included the likes of "Barbers Adagio For Strings", "Offshore (Chicane)" and "Fields Of Gold (Eva Cassidy)". All pretty chilled stuff I think you will agree and then I lay on the bed for the best part of any hour with my iPod immersed deeply in my ears (the ear plugs, not the iPod itself) and concentrated for an hour on nothing!!!

I didn't fall asleep, I just lay eyes closed and enjoyed the music without the need to occupy myself with any outside factors. I will be honest, when I was finished, I felt pretty damn good for doing it and even a little refreshed.

So all good hey? Well no. Kerris and I went to bed later and guess who could not settle. And then, guess who finally got out of bed at midnight for an hour so that he wasn't concentrating on a million and one reasons as to why he couldn't settle.

Finally, I last looked at the clock at 02.00 this morning and as usual, Jay appeared at 07.00 and woke us both. The difference being that Kerris has no problems getting back asleep and I do. In fact, once I wake in the morning, all I can do is concentrate on how numb or weird my hands feel after resting. So by 07.15, I am downstairs with Jay watching Rocky II on Sky movies!!!

I am prepared to not accept miracles but if resting in one way takes away rest in another then what is the benefit to me? However, I did enjoy my chilled session so I will do it some more until my night time body gets the message that there are 2 times in the day when I need to rest!!!

Selfless......

You would think that being described as selfless would be a good thing eh? You are the opposite of selfish and this would make most people think that you would be a good person to be around, especially in the event of a lottery win.

And if I were to pick 5 words to describe me, selfless would be in there alongside words like kind and reliable.

You see, I am selfless, I am every inch the selfless soul and when I read about what being selfless mean, so many boxes get ticked and to be fair, until now I thought selfless was a good thing.

That was until I started visiting the MS Psychologist........

I have issues, in fact, I have deep issues in how I go about living my life in light of my neurological problems and as previously mentioned, they are affecting the people around me so selflessly, I go to get the help I need to make the people around me feel less uncomfortable about me.

As we talked I thought I was painting this fantastic picture of Mike the Hero and I felt as though my good deeds, caring ways and constant "I'll do that" attitude would lead to a 2:1 in sanity. I was wrong, it didn't and I am far from it!!!

I want to explain this from 2 angles so hopefully you will bear with me on this. Firstly, selflessness is as bad a trait as it is good because as we all think of what the selfless man offers, it comes at a cost. The selfless man will forsake himself for the greater good. And that rings too true with me. Look at me. I am overweight, I don't dress well, I don't socialise well, I constantly miss out on things I want and put another ahead of me, I exhaust myself so that others can rest. Basically, put all of that together and you have a mess. I am a mess of a man.

Secondly, the selfless man is in a spiral, its like a drug, you feel good when you perform a selfless act but that is short lived so you perform another and another and so on until eventually, you are all selflessed out and you have no more to give because you have taken so much out from yourself that your reserves are all eaten up!!! So once you cross this threshold, you become desperate rather than selfless and your good intentions come across as misguided and overwhelming.

And in those 2 paragraphs ladies and gentlemen, you have a perfect description of me and my current state of mind.

So what is the answer? Well the answer is very simple because every single selfless person in life who was actually good at it, all had 1 thing in common...Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Florence Nightingale etc, etc....they all took time out to be SELFISH every now and then. Of course they all ended up dead but that's another story.

So the current state of play is to encourage me to have "me" time and so that I can recharge and continue to be positively selfless without the destructive side of it creeping in.

That's all I want to say for the moment, I have books and leaflets to read so let me get on with it!!!

Aquilani

Just a few short entries tonight.

Yes, this is good news that we have signed a potential worldbeater on a 5 year deal but NO it is bad news that we have signed an injured player!!!

4-8 weeks before we see this guy in action!!!

Best news of the summer!!!

Lucas considers Anfield exit

http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11669_5477760,00.html

I am so happy I could poo!!

MJ is not dead!!!

He is alive and well and has been spotted in Liverpool many times, this is the one that made me laugh the most!!!

Alonso

If we can get 30 million for Xabi Alonso then that is a great bit of business.

I dont hold Xabi in as high regard as some do, granted he is a great player and passer of the ball, but his lack of pace is sorely evident everytime that some races through the middle or if there is a ball to be chased.

I would also go as far as to say that if he had been sold 12 months ago as was reported to be the case this time last year, he would not have been missed either.

I dont think Liverpool would sell a player who courts such attention without another being lined up. If Inniesta turned up on Merseyside in a red shirt, I would probably go to church and thank the lord!!!

So while I am sorry to see Xabi go and I wish him all the best, its hardly a loss of Torres, Gerrard or Carragher proportions in my book. Xabi has taken part in some great games for Liverpool but I feel the quality of those around him make him look a lot better than he is so at Madrid, surrounded by Galacticos, he will fit in well.

Good luck Xabi, see you on the way to our next final.

Cyclic Grief?

This rather cryptic term what the MS Psychologist used to describe my current state of mind.

I went to the Walton Centre earlier this week and met with the MS Psychologist to begin to discuss my state of mind.

The session started like this -

MS Psychologist "Ok Michael, so you have MS"

Me "No I don't"

MS Psychologist (thinking to herself this is great, a straightforward case of denial) "Yes you do, its on your referral notes"

Me "No, I have myelitis, my notes are wrong".

MS Psychologist "Oh...."

After chatting for 10 minutes and clearing a few issues up and explaining how I feel and how I suffer from anxiety and mood swings, we got onto a better rapport.

Basically, she knows exactly what is wrong with me and I have to be honest, it makes sense. I am suffering from Cyclic Grief. You wont find much about it in Google but basically, in experiencing my problem, I have had a "loss" in my life. Loss of self confidence, loss of control, loss of hope for the future and so on.

As with any loss, just as in death if you like, there is a grieving period to get through before you finally accept your problems and deal with them.

I haven't accepted what has happened to me and this is for many reasons, I have always been told about my condition in matter of fact way and never been offered any support of closure in dealing with it so right now, I am at the "Anger & anxiety" stage of the grief process with no support mechanism to get me through it. Until now.....

I am reading through a publication that is meant to offer a few answers, I haven't found any as yet that slap me in the face but I have 2 sessions booked with the Psychologist in August to help me through this.

So I am happy that things are beginning to happen and I will of course report back as necessary!!