Older and wiser!!! Well, sort of!!!

This weekend, myself and my good friend Nick Bartlett attended a 20th Anniversary re-union party for the Chesterfield High School class of 89.

When I first heard about this, I really didnt fancy it that much. I dont have the best memories of school and from what I can recall, it was mainly abuse for being either chunky, ginger, wearing NHS glasses and having a comedy name. So as you can appreciate, I was quite nervous about the whole thing. I would not have gone on my own so I put it to Nick a while ago and we made it our date!!!

In reality, we arrived and we had a great time. Everyone was so warm and friendly and geuinely interested in where you were and what you were doing. I plainly dont recall half of the people who were there but I took the time to approach these people, tell them I had no idea who they were and then systematically work through a load of questions to try and find common grounds!!! 9 out of 10 times it worked!!

It was a really good night but I made a pact with Nick to drink Guiness for the whole night and in the morning, I felt a little worse for wear!!! I was telling Nick about a host of things, all of which I had told him the night before and I had no recollection of the event!! So thats the last time I am doing that one!!!

I am quite pleased with myself about the reunion as school was a tricky time in my life for a number of reasons but on from the re-union, I think that over the years I have grown and matured a lot while retaining my mischevious side and I think that I can pretty much welcome most people from my past with a smile, a hug or a friendly handshake...perhaps some wierd demon has been exorcised!!!

Spinny & Dizzy

No, its not the name of my 2 new goldfish, its actually just another day living in this body!!!

A few times over recent weeks, I have had very slight feelings of vertigo but today I had 2 major vertigo attacks which both almost sent me onto my knees.

Firstly, I was trying to look at the underside of a control panel earlier so I was stood upright and arched over to look at it, my head disorientated as I returned upright and I had to concentrate for a moment or 2 to keep my bearings about me.

Then, about 20 minutes ago, I had to bend overt to get something out of the cupboard and a rush of blood to head left me feeling the same as previous.

I know that vertigo is a symptom associated with Neurological problems and I am sitting here feeling the same usual feeling of "is this just a passing phase or is it leading to something else?".

I haven't felt good the last few days, I have felt lethargic and tired and I had a very nasty headache last night so perhaps this is linked to that and whatever "that" is, hopefully its on its way out of me? I don't know.

I know I sound quite down a lot of the time about this but the progress of this is uncertain and its very easy to feel defeatist about it sometimes. Look at my face and I will smile for you and keep it all together, the blog was always meant to be the place where I could air my problems and I usually feel a lot better after getting things off my chest here. I just hope it works this time too.

I will keep the reader updated.....

There is never any good news.....

I haven't been at my best for the best part of the week, in fact I am harbouring a great sadness about things and feeling generally sorry for myself.

Last Friday, I went for my usual check up at the Walton Centre and as is usual, saw another Registrar who had no idea of my condition or where I had been, how long I had it or what had been done about it and I found out 2 things to upset me.

1. I had a relapse recently. I didn't consider at the time that I had experienced a relapse but based on the evidence, I must have had one. A few weeks ago I had a very light tingling in my left foot and although it was there, it didn't cause me any pain so I just left it. At the same time, I felt just a touch weaker in my left side but again ignored it as fatigue or the like. Anyway, it was a relapse and for that reason, I feel anxious that I am not immune to relapses. This is the first official relapse since all of this started so from that point of view, it shows that my original symptoms were not a "one off".
2. This is the more disturbing one. With regard to my numbness in my hands, there is nothing else to try. The last drug trial of Pregablin failed as it just caused anxiety which is worse than the numbness but what this means in reality is that there is no cure for my numb hands and basically, as far as I can see they will be with me until I die. In fact, they will probably be the reason I die!!!

On top of both of those thoughts, it was all delivered in a "matter of fact" fashion with no compassion towards how I might feel about it. It was served cold to me and I think more effort should be made towards us neuro nutters to either soften the blow or make sure that if you have to deal with a heartless registrar then you see a support worker immediately after.

I haven't felt so low about my condition for a long time and I am thankful that I am seeing the psychologist next week as at least they have some words of comfort to help.

If I ran things, no one would leave the Walton Centre feeling as empty as I did, in my work, even if I have bad news for someone, I will guarantee that I finish the conversation in a cheery manner but that is just me I suppose.