Not a good feeling.....

Sometimes the blog can have a dark side, this is because I need it to think back to how things were when I look at it in the future. It is easy to put the happy and quirky stuff in but it does serve a serious purpose.

I was in tears earlier today. Its not easy seeing a grown man cry but I was so upset that I could not hold back. I had just ranted at Kerris about the behaviour of the kids and made it clear that I thought she was to blame.

This was completely unfair, and very untrue also, Kerris is the best mum to the kids and has a very laid back approach with them where I am more of a drill Sergeant when they get boisterous.

Anyway, I was wrong, I apologised and shortly afterwards broke down telling Kerris that I hated myself and I needed help.

Seeing the MS Psychologist next week will be the first step and today Kerris and I talked about my nature and how my neurological problems are affecting me in a way that nothing else has ever affected me before.

To briefly explain. A few years ago, I knew where I was, what I was doing, how I felt, how I would feel in six months and I had no fears for the future. I could handle that, it was clear and concise, life was either black or white.

Then, out of nowhere, I begin to have my neurological problems and things change. Scary words like MS are mentioned and suddenly life is full of uncertainty. At the moment, I feel like I don't know where I am or what I am doing or how indeed I will be in a few months, life is very unclear, its grey rather than black and white, I feel a lot of anger with myself for not coping well with it and worst of all, when it raises its ugly head I react to the people around me, the people who love me, in unpredictable ways. And then my anger turns to self hate and that's basically where the Psychologist will hopefully offer some support.

People will tell me, "why worry about what hasn't happened" and "live for the day" but mostly I tend to find that those people aren't suffering from a potentially life altering neurological condition.

Kerris hugged me, told me I was a good and helpful person and that she and the kids love me and after a while, I started feeling better.

Maybe I am expecting too many miracles next week but since this whole thing happened, I have had no support, well that's a lie, I have had the support of Kerris and my family, but I have had no professional support and I made a promise to Kerris that I would take it for all its worth and I will change. I don't say that likely, I want to change and I need to change and if it kills me doing so, at least I tried to change. There is no grey here, which is good for me, its black and white.