Nothing like being a bit nocturnal......

Its been a long time since I sat here in the wee hours to do a blog entry. Back then it was because Methylprednisolone was keeping me awake but right now I am being kept awake for other reasons.

The difficult thing is, I don't want to say why!!! I can tell you on Friday I hope but at the moment, there are so many thoughts buzzing in my head that I just cant get to sleep. I don't know if updating my blog will help but it gives me something to concentrate on so that can only be a good thing.

So what kind of thoughts are racing through my brain then? Well, amongst other things I tend to worry a lot lately, hopefully part of that will be sorted out later this week though. I also worry about what the future holds for me, I worry about the past and how I could have changed small things along the way and how I felt I wasn't strong enough or assertive enough to achieve certain goals. I worry about missed opportunities in life and wonder if I would be a different person because of them. I just worry about all the same things everyone else worries about with the exception that until very recently, I did not worry about these things at all.

When I give it a good thinking about, I come to the conclusion that the events of this year have changed me. Much as I try to deny it, I have been rocked to my core by it all. I realised that I am not invincible, I am a mere mortal and as such I have to suffer as everyone else can along the way. I have shown emotions this year that I never thought I would show on the surface and in doing so I have realised that I need the support of people around me. I need to be told that everything will be OK and I need to be re-assured. These are all qualities that I thought were my mission to give out in life so its slightly uncomfortable to be in a position where I need them too!!!

Lately, I seem to have developed a small fear of "not doing anything". By that I mean that as long as my mind is occupied then everything is OK. When I switch off and my brain goes quiet, at bedtime for instance, my mind then starts to race with all of the above worries that I suppressed so well when I was busy.

Another thing is that this is exactly what Kerris used to do and I would lie there telling her just to relax and forget about it all and go to sleep. Now the worm has turned and I feel her pain!!!

OK , so there is a lot going on up there but realistically I should be thankful that although I have had a few tests and visits to the consultant recently, nothing has progressed and as long as life is like that then I should be happy. I should be happy about the fact that I have a beautiful wife, 2 great kids and a loving family around me and I am always thankful for the help we get from our respective parents. I am happy that we live in a nice house, have no real financial worries and that we generally get to do a lot of nice things along the way. So there is a lot to be happy about and with this in mind, I am on a roll so I will keep those thoughts exactly where I need them to be, at the forefront of my head and go back to bed!!!

You see, I always worry that I have to end on a positive note...........